Books only a Roadie Could Write...
10. "Tour Managing for Dummies"
9. A Roadie's Guide: How to alter your D.N.A.
8. One Case, Two Case, Red Case, Blue case
7. Gaff Tape Crafts for kids
6. Don't sweat the small gigs
5. The Tour Manager Always Yells Twice
4. Gone with the (Tail)-Wind
3. All Quiet on the Front of House
2. Road crews are from Mars, tour managers are from Venus
1. Silence of the Amps
How to "get even" with the band...(not that we would ever do any of these....)
Hand out laser pens to audience members
Tell them the tour accountant has a gambling problem
Place signs disclosing the hotel rooming list at all the merchandise tables
Secretly gaff the hi-hat closed
Take the mirrors out of the dressing room
MUTE!
Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on the vocal mics
Fabricate a 1/4" guitar jack to 110 AC "adapter"
Super glue all stage amp master volumes to "1"
Go on VH1's "Behind The Music"
"Ground Loop"
Promise backstage passes and free CDs to any audience members who will yell "FREEBIRD!!!!" before every song in set
First, Find that cam-lock-to-XLR adapter...
Modify the band's "rider" to add SPAM © as an acceptable pre-show meal
Start rumours about the record company dropping them
Tune down half the guitars just a half-step
Edison to 1/4 inch!
slight delay to the IEMs (works best on a drummer)
Apply a tiny pitch shift in the lead singers inner-ear monitors
Cut the ground line on all the mic cables ... that 48 volt phantom power is a real eye opener
Have houselights turned on 30 minutes into set
Secretly gaff the band members' feet to the stage
After Sound Check Put Three Ping Pong Balls In Main Snare Drum
If drummer plays barefoot rub icy hot on pedals
For especially loud Bass players, put a small flash pot in the back of his Mondo SVT rig before the show with a footswitch control to where you will be. Tell him all through the set that "you can't hear him at all". The offending noisemaker will keep turning up till glasses can't even stay on the tables by the end of the show. On the last note of the last song, let that baby rip and watch as your bass player thinks that he just blew up his prized amp.
If in doubt, use electricity
Ask the guitarist why the opening acts guitarist has been rehearsing with the band and his cases are being re- stenciled.
Superglue spare picks to the boomstand (that'll teach the lead to not break them)
Order 6 AM wakeup calls for band members
Send a false patertiny suit to all the guys in the band from the same girl
Buying the wrong type of batteries (non-alkaline) for singer's IEM beltpack, causing him to go 'deaf' 2 songs into a two-hour show....
Give out their home phone number to girls and tell them he wants you to call him on this number
Find and employ the rare mixer with the "suck" button
Starbucks cups with Ex-Lax Mocha Latte in dressing room 1 hour before showtime
Convince the entire crew to take a 'sick day'
Saw all drumsticks 3/4 of the way through and replace in stick bag
Pitch transpose vocals half step flat...and bass half step sharp
Let one of the really "skanky" groupies get through the usual screening on a slow night
Tell local local radio station personel that band would like them to dance onstage during band's most well known songs
Steal his drumsticks
Suck on lemon wedge and grimace where horn players can see you during their solos
String their guitar upside down "Just like Hendrix"
Tell them You overheard the manager telling the lead singer he should dump the band and go solo.
Tape all the lights power-multicore together with the guitar and mic XLR-lines. Insist you never knew this could cause interference
7UP on the snaredrum just before the encores start
Vasoline on the vocal mic
Pay fifty screaming girls to be at the exit when they come out and act dissapointed, get them to say they were there for the opening act
Place a carrot/turnip anywhere a vocal mic would normally go
"Oh you mean I'm not supposed to gaff the mic and the cable to the stand? I had no idea you like to hold the mic when you sing..."
After soundcheck, replace all strings with heaviest gauge possible
When asked to turn something up or down in the monitors (if there is a seprate monitor desk and your the only engineer) act like your franticly trying to turn knobs. Then ask, "How does that sound? Good huh?"
Let their greatest fan backstage, no questions asked!
Secretly gaff the bottom of the snare.
Replace setlists with songs spelled backwards
Put 200-300 milliseconds of delay in the vocal monitor.
Conveniently re-position "dimmerbeach" to sit directly on main stage-entrance. Always claim there really wasn't any other possible position
Put Ipecac in onstage water bottles
Tell them how much the crew makes, only triple it
"Doctor" press kits and misspell band member's names
Let it snow in July (freshly from Colombia)
Spray WD-40 on drumsticks and keyboards
Dead black-out on all lights the moment a bandmember tries to communicate with the audience
Water on the floor tom head....
Paby Powder on the snare drum
Ask them why you have heard rumours the tour is finishing early
3 prong AC to female XLR
Hide the only roll of toilet paper in that disgusting German venue
Replace their Perrier with Artisia
Pine tar on volume knobs of the Strat
Tell Axl his new band sucks
Reposition all strobes to lead guitar postion, use them all during solo
Tell the manager they are going to dump him
If the band uses a click-track, modify the timing to insert a random delay between clicks (1...2......3.4 and so on).
Put echo on all percussion in monitor mixes
After sound check, place 4 small glass sulfer stink bombs under the kick pedal...
Make sure every moving light sweeps right over the singer's eyes, on every move, to every position.
Different set lists
Record Soundcheck for playback at doors opening.
Spread rumours about them being bald
Build a little box with 5 LED's connected to a a 9v battery with a dial. Place it at the drum riser, and tell the band they can now control the level of the on stage mix
Sing in their in-ears (it works better if you really cant sing, or sing a different song that they are playing)
Wait 20 years and then "write a book"
Rules for bands in their relationship with their roadies...
1. Crew members should not be considered pack animals, schlepping various band appliances hither
and yon, as this causes crew depression which lowers crew efficiency.
2. The Band should not invade the privacy of the "crew bus" as this detracts from our reflection of our days work, resulting in a loss of crew efficiency
3. The Band should not make negative comments in the media regarding "the crew" as this results in crew depression, which decreases crew efficiency.
4. The Band should not throw food at the crew as an injury could result in the crew person going to the hospital, thus resulting in a loss of crew efficiency.
5. The Band's wives and girlfriends should not engage in gossip sessions in the presence of the crew distracts the crew, thus lowering efficiency.
6. The Band wives and girlfriends should not introduce technicians as THEIR roadies as this furthers crew depression, leading to a lack in crew efficiency.
7. The Band guests should not talk to, or bother, or in any way hinder the crew from their work, (i.e. asking for picks, sticks, or how we get our job.) so that the crew may continue to work efficiently. We live to work and do not have time to deal with band cling-ons.
8. The Band members should not BELLOW at the crew or in the crews presence so as to avoid damage to the sensitive, finely tuned hearing that the crew rely on to make your crappy, lame, low quality, over priced, no good, sorry, dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkin', over rated, unreliable state of the art gear show ready.
9. The Band should pay crew current market wages so the crew can purchase over-priced band swag at 10% above market value.
10. The Crew should be given hotels nightly to continue good healthy hygiene so we can look and feel our best and combat crew depression.
11. The Band should not approach the stage in order to attempt to adjust, fine tune, tweak, fiff, noodle or otherwise play unnecessarily which hinders the crew from completing their work, thus causing crew depression which leads to a lessened crew efficiency.
12. The Band should not mangle well known Rock Standards at sound check, as this simply depresses EVERYONE!!
13. A crew forced to wear hideous or distasteful tour jacket and or swag is a depressed crew.
